There are two parts to the communication equation: there’s speaking and there’s listening.
Let’s face it, most of us are not great at the listening part. We either listen to figure out what we need to say next or, well… we don’t listen. We’re constructing our grocery list in our head, or thinking about how we’re going to pick up the kids at school and still get to a late afternoon meeting on time.
We often hear that leadership is about delivering powerful messages, and it is, but the skill that is the hallmark of a truly great leader is Active Listening. Active Listening starts with something that is difficult for most of us to do…we have to stop talking!
To listen actively, you must give your interlocutor your full attention and allow them to express themselves fully, without interruption, before sharing your own thoughts, opinions, and perceptions. If you do this, if you truly give someone your full attention, what you might find is that when it is your turn to speak, your conversation partner will be more likely to listen to what you have to say (without interruption). This effect is partly due to reciprocity, but it’s also because they feel they’ve been heard, and feel respected.
In her article titled How to Build Influence without Authority, transformational non-profit leader, Acooa Ellis outlines five communication behaviors you can enact to listen actively (I’ve changed her words slightly, but not the meaning):
1. Blending: The goal of Blending is to increase rapport which is critical to building relationships. Blending is behavior that reduces the perceived differences between you and another person. An example of Blending behavior is mirroring (but not mimicking) your conversation partners' tone of voice, tempo, volume, facial expressions, and posture. Giving receptive signals like, "Oh, yes, I see, I understand," and using a lot of head nodding can also be effective.
2. Backtracking: The goal of backtracking is to show that you are listening and want to understand. When you backtrack, you repeat verbatim your conversation partner's words. Don’t paraphrase, as that will not have the same effect. Using their exact words illustrates the degree to which you are dialed into what they are saying. This is especially effective on the phone.
3. Clarifying: Asking clarifying questions helps you to listen actively in two ways. It enables you to gather as much information as possible AND it forces you to wait before giving your own response. Clarifying questions begin with the words "why," "how," and "tell me about … ." Clarifying has three main benefits: It shows you are patient and supportive, it indicates that you really want to know what they think, and it can reveal any hidden agendas that your conversation partner may have.
4. Summarizing: The goal of summarizing is to demonstrate that you have listened and understood what they have shared. Here, paraphrasing is ok. You can say something like, "So, if I’ve understood you correctly … ." or “This is what I hear you saying…”
5. Confirming: Confirming means making sure that your conversation partner(s) feel satisfied with the conversation. Ask directly, "Do you feel understood? Is there anything else you’d like to share?" Most people will welcome these surprisingly attentive questions; they will appreciate your desire for them to feel satisfied with the dialogue.
If you feel that active listening is a muscle you want to strengthen, practice these behaviors in your everyday communication, but don’t try to enact all of them at once. Trying to practice all five behaviors at once could be overwhelming and even paralyzing. Start with the skill you realize might be your weakest, or one you’ve never used before. Once you’ve mastered that behavior, choose the next weakest, and then the next, etc. Eventually, you will become a master at all five.
In my coaching, I’ve worked with several clients on improving their listening skills and it’s been remarkably effective. If you want to hone the skill of Active Listening, reach out. We’ll set up a discovery call to discuss your current situation.
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